Green Grass of Home1

The Journey Continues

God I'm so tired, so excuse spelling. It's 4.09 am, but I have to keep going. I know if I don't, the minute I stop, the same old horrible thoughts will come back, & i will be crying & in panic mode again. So I have a main dilema in sorting this out, they way my mind is at the moment:-

1. I have a phobia of working for someone else, i.e set hours, can I do the job, what if I panic at work, mundane job
2. Can I handle the problem of working from home again, the isolation. I had to turn down a job down yesterday working form home, tele appointment making for a guy in USA. Paid £8 per hour, plus commission for appointments made. I could not do it at the moment the way my mind is.
3. Working from home I often felt lonely, depressed, I never see anyone, staring at the same 4 walls day in day out. I became introverted, whereas before i was extroverted. I was funny, & fun to be with. I had been in many bands, gigging some times 3 times a week, & practice one night. I had played football, & gone to watch Hereford United regularly. I sudenly gave it all up, don't know why or when. Now I have no hobbies, no friends, no social life. I just spend my spare time watching TV. I don't even play games anymore. I used to up to early hours in the morning building rollercoaster on Rollercoaster Tycon, a PC Rollercoaster simulator. My main PC broke & couldn't afford a new one, so that was it. 

MAJOR UPDATE - CRISIS

It's 4.30 am & my wife got up, going to work. I told her that I had almost called the ambulance, & that this was the only thing I could do to stop me. She said I had thought I'd finally got on top of it a couple of days ago, but it had made no difference, & to do what I like. Totally disinterested, she's probably had enough, don't blame. She's gone to work, her words are a real kick in the teeth, maybe the final blow!

5.10 am Been panicking till now, after Alison seems to have given up hope, don't blame her. Trying to continue, but so tired, How can I last till 9.30 till that chap comes, & what can he do?

I love my family so much, don't tell my wife enough how wonderful she is. No one else would have put up with me all these years, the depression, temper tantrums. I'll send them an email so they can read my blog, hope they understand the sheer hell I am going through. Perhaps I will try mindfulness & try to get some sleep.