Green Grass of Home1

The Last Attempt

OK, here goes, one last attempt to save myself. Here I am, at 3.18am, writing this blog, totally desperate, hoping & praying that the laptop doesn't malfunction. I have been suffering from depression for months, perhaps deep down even longer. I have not been sleeping much, or eating, & have recently though the only way out was to end it all. I didn't change into my night ware or go to bed, as I didn't want to wake my wife (I know I couldn't sleep). I tried my mindfullnes exercise at 12.00 am, to avoid my main problem is I have a cyclic mind, I keep playing the same old thing over & over again in my mind. Such things as what's going to me, how on earth can I escape this with my cyclic mind, why didn't I get a job, I won't see my family again. Imagine this in your mind 24 hours a days non stop. I know you're supposed to do things, but I can't seem to force myself, I can't seem to focus or concentrate. The only thing that works, & only briefly, is mindfullness. Trouble is, I can't do that 24 hours a day to survive. So, after sleeping this morning from 12.00 to 2.00 am this morning, I woke up crying, thinking I needed to call 911, & get the ambulance to cart me off. That though filled me with horror, I did't want to end up at Stoneberrow (mental home), so hence this blog. It was the only thing I could think of to break my cyclic mind, to stop thinking those same thoughts over & over again. I have someone form the Council to do with mental health coming to see me in the morning at 9.30, if I can survive to then, then perhaps I may have a chance. I thought of the series "13 Reason's Why", how a girl committed suicide because no one listened to her, I don't have that excuse. At least for the first time in ages I am concentrating & trying to do something to fend of those awful thoughts. My other posts will be a diary of how I got here